Miscellaneous Jokes And Funny Stories - 4

I plan to live forever - so far so good.

A naval officer met a pirate at an inn and couldn't help but noticing that the pirate had a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
"How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the officer.
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And one of the sharks bit off my leg."
"That's terrible," said the officer. "What about the hook? How did you come by that?"
"Well" said the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and in the heat of battle, my right hand was sliced off by an enemy swordsman."
"How terrible," said the officer. "And the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye."
"You lost your eye because of a seagull dropping?"
"Well, it was my first day with the hook."

Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high?
A lot of expenses are in curd.

Watch out for lamp manufacturers - there are a lot of shady characters.

In the mid-sixties, there was a hippy named Benny who lived in San Francisco. Benny was real hip, but he just couldn't grow a beard like the rest of the flower child guys in Haight-Ashbury.
One day Benny met up with a Gypsy Lady who liked him enough to grant him a wish, so, naturally, Benny wished for a beard. Gypsy Lady granted the wish but warned Benny to ALWAYS wear the beard, never cut it off.
Well, the years went by, the flower children aged, the hippoy movement sorta died out, Benny went on to a career as a successful financial adviser.
Benny decided the beard no longer fit his image so, ignoring the Gypsy Lady's warnings, he shaved it off.
**POOF** Benny disintegrated into a pile of ashes, the janitor swept him up and deposited him in a jar.
The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp. He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it. Sure enough, a genie popped out.
The genie said, "Thank you for getting me out of that lamp. In return, I will grant you one wish."
So the guy thought about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan city."
Pooof, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo...

A fool and his money are some party.

The circus leader was upset at the thought that his human cannonball act would have to be scrapped. It seems the aging performer was losing his nerve in the act. He went to the boss and quavered, "I don't think I am up to being shot out of a cannon twice a day any more." "But you can't leave me," his boss replied, "Where will I find another man of your caliber?"

The elderly woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as she put some coins into the beggar's cup. He gallantly stooped to pick it up.
"Why you're not blind!" she exclaimed.
"No," he said, "I'm working for my brother. It's his day off."

A pair of martians landed on a country road on Earth in the middle of the night.
"Where are we?" one martian asked.
"I think we're in a cemetary," replied the other, "Look at the gravestone over there - that man lived to be 108."
"What's his name?"
"Miles from London."