Miscellaneous Jokes And Funny Stories - 3

When the powerful king found his throne missing, the next day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force him to tell where the throne was being hidden. The session went as follows:
King: Where is the throne?
Count: I cannot tell you.
King: Then I will have you killed!
Executioner, cut off his head!Ok! I will tell you!
THWACK!!!
Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

SOAP, SOAP, SOAP, SOAP, SOAP, SOAP, SOAP, SOAP
I hope you could recognize that. I can only sing about eight bars.

Watch out for lamp manufacturers - there are a lot of shady characters.

I've just been out riding.
Horseback?
Yes, the horse got back two hours before me.

I've fallen into the bad habit of talking to myself.
I wondered why you were looking so bored.

"Why are you so angry?"
"Because it's all the rage."

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm in trouble."
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT in trouble. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay.......NOW you're in trouble!"

Mick formed a dance band and they were working their first gig at the local hall. Mick was very excited about it all and said to the trombone player, "Stuart.. go outside and listen to what it sounds like." The trombone player went out and after a while came back ecstatic. "It's great!!" he exclaimed, "you should hear it." So the whole band went outside to listen...

I've just swallowed a fly.
Have you taken anything for it?
No. I'll just let it starve to death.

When is it bad luck to have a black cat cross your path?
When you're a mouse.