Jokes And Humor About Marriage - 3

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

One day a woman went to a greengrocers and began anxiously looking over the produce. "Can I help you madam?" asked the shopkeeper. "Yes, I was looking for some fruit," replied the woman, "Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkillers?"
"No, you'll have to get them from the pharmacy."

When we got married I told my wife I wanted to set the world on fire. After three years of being married to her I wanted to set myself on fire.

My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her - or something like that.

St. Peter went to work one day to find 2 lines of men at The Gate. One line snaked its way across heaven, as far as St. Peter could see. Above that line hung a sign reading:
This Line Is For Men Whose Wives *ALWAYS* Told Them What To Do
In the other line, he noticed only one man standing under a sign that read:
This Line Is For Men Whose Wives *NEVER* Told Them What To Do
St. Peter asked the man, "What are you doing in this line?"
To which the man meekly replied, "My wife told me to stand here!"

Walking into a bar, Joe said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Mike. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh, yeah? And what happened this time?" Mike said.
"When it was over," Joe replied,"my wife came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"Really! Now that's unusual! What did she say?"
"She said 'Come on out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

Two women go to talking at the supermarket, and one asked the other, "How many times have you been married?"
"Four times," she answered.
"What were their professions?" the other one asked.
"A millionaire, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker....one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"Grounds for Divorce."

My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes it immedi- ately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she has it picked up before it even drops. The other night, I got up at three a.m. to get a glass of juice. When I came back, the bed already had been made.

Why a man would want to marry one wife is a mystery.
Marrying two is a bigamystery.