Jokes And Humor About Lawyers - 2

A lawyer was surprised one day when the door of his office opened and his local family butcher walked in. 'I'd like your advice,' said the butcher. 'If a dog came into my shop and stole some meat, would the dog's owner be obliged to pay for it?'
'He certainly would,' said the lawyer. 'No question about it.'
'Well,' said the butcher, 'your dog came into my shop this morning and stole a chicken.'
'How much was it worth?' asked the lawyer. '£5 should cover it,' replied the butcher.
'£5, eh?' said the lawyer. 'All right. My usual fee for legal advice is £30, so if you just send me a cheque for £25, we'll call it quits.'

Lawyer: 'And just how far were you from the accident when it took place?'
Witness: 'Eighteen feet, two and a half inches.' Lawyer: 'Oh, come now! How can you be so exact?'
Witness: 'I knew some stupid idiot would ask me so I measured it.'

A very short-tempered lawyer was bullying a witness. 'I insist that you answer the question with a simple yes or no,' he shouted. 'There are some questions,' said the witness calmly, 'that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no.' 'Rubbish!' shouted the lawyer. 'Give me an example.'
'All right,' said the witness. 'Have you stopped beating your wife?'

A young man was appearing as a witness in a court case. The prosecuting counsel was not at all happy with his evidence and said sharply, 'Has anyone been telling you what to say in court?'
'Yes, sir,' replied the young man. 'My father.'
'I see,' said the lawyer. 'And just what exactly did he tell you?'
'He said the lawyers would try to get me all mixed up but if I stuck to the truth, I'd be all right.'

A man who had been injured in a motor accident spent several weeks in hospital. After his release, he was hobbling along the street on crutches when he met an old friend. 'Hello, Bill!' said the friend. 'Glad to see you are up and about again. How long will it be before you can get rid of your crutches?'
'Well,' said Bill, 'my doctor says I can get along without them now, but my lawyer says I can't.'

A cient was going over a bill he had just received from his lawyer. 'What's this item here?' he said. 'I don't mind paying for the lunch we had together, but what is this, "Luncheon Advice, $50"?' 'Don't you remember?' said the lawyer. 'You asked me what I recommended, and I said Beef Bourgignon.

"Do you have any criminal lawyers in this town?"
"Well, we are sure that we have but we haven't been able to prove it yet."

There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

A lawyer applied to the court for a re-trial after his client had been found guilty. "I've discovered some important nes evidence which affects this case." "And what is the nature of this new evidence?" asked the judge.
"Well," said the lawyer, "this morning I found out that my client still has $5,000 in his bank account."

Judge to the defendant: "Don't you have a lawyer to represent you/"
Defendant: "No your honor, I don't need one. I'm going to tell the truth."