Jokes About Idiots - 2

An idiot decorator was painting a house and the owner came home to find the man rushing about like a mad thing with his brushes.
'Why are you working so fast?' he asked.
'Well, you see, sir, the paint's running low and I want to finish the job before it's all gone.'

Did you hear about the idiot skydiver?
He was killed when his snorkel and flippers failed to open.

Did you hear about the idiot who was given a pair of water skis?
He spend the rest of his life looking for a sloping lake.

Did you hear about the idiot who was given two weeks to live?
He decided to take one week in May and the other week in October.

Two idiots are trapped on an Iceberg:
Idiot 1: We're saved, we're saved.
Idiot 2: How do ye know that?
Idiot 1: Here comes the Titanic.

Two idiots bought a horse each at a horse sale. Both horses were similar so Brian said to Joe: "How shall we tell the horses apart?"
"I tell you what," said Joe. "We'll bob the tail of one of them."
But by mistake both the tails got bobbed so that they were still in the same predicament.
"Oh I know what we'll do," said Brian. "You take the black one and I'll have the white one!"

This story is about the two idiots who went hunting together, They bagged a moose and, being big strapping fellows, tucked a hind leg each under an arm and began dragging the moose back to their vehicle. Another hunter came along and suggested that dragging the moose by the hind legs created a lot of extra friction with the hair digging into the ground. He suggested they'd be better off dragging it by the front legs and the hair would then slip over the ground more easily. They took his advice and a few minutes later, one said to the other, "That guy know what he was talkin' about, this is a lot easier."
The other agreed and said, "Only thing woriies me is, we're getting a long way from the truck!"

Two idiots are going down the street, one digs a hole the second fills it in. They carry on down the street and again one digs a hole and the second fills it in.
A passer by is bemused by this and goes over to the idiots and asks them "What on earth is going on?"
One of the idiots replies saying, "Our mate who plants the trees is off ill today."

Then there was the idiot who sued the local baker for forging his signature on a hot cross bun....

After an accident on a building site when an idiot had his ear chopped off, the doctor tells him not to worry, it could be sewn back on easily.
The idiot says to the doctor "You can't do that that, it's not my ear, mine had a pencil behind it."