Jokes About Drunks

Drunk 1: Do lemons have wings?
Drunk 2: What?
Drunk 1: I said, do lemons have wings?
Drunk 2: Of course not.
Drunk 1: Oh no, I think I just squeezed a canary into my drink!

I'm not as think as you stoned I am

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.
'What are you doing out at this time of night?' asked the officer.
'I'm going to a lecture,' slurred the drunk.
'And who's going to give a lecture at this hour?'
'My wife.'

I have a drinking problem: 2 hands and only one mouth.

A husband went out for a few drinks with his friends one Friday evening but ended up getting so drunk at their flat that by the time he came round, it was Sunday lunchtime. Realising that his wife would never forgive give him for the missing day and a half, he knew he had to come up with a plausible explanation. He was really struggling to think of a good excuse until he had a sudden brainwave. Calling home, he yelled down the phone: "Don't pay the ransom, darling! I've managed to escape!"

When his wife asked him why he kept coming home half drunk he replied that he never had enough money to get completely drunk.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

A cop pulls up two drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Michael Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Billy White, and I live in the flat above Michael."

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to try and cure him of the habit. One dark night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

Alcohol is not a problem, until you can't get any.