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British Humour - 1

Here is our selection of jokes in the British style of humour.

This is page 1 of 7.

Once there was a teddy bear who went to work on a building site. On his first day he went off for lunch and left all his tools behind. When he came back he noticed that his pick was missing so he went and told the foreman.
The foreman said "Didn't you know today's the day the teddy bears get their picks nicked".

Why do the fans call their football team lollipop?
Because they are always getting licked.

I don't know what to make of my husband.
What about a standard lamp.

What is another name for a butcher's boy?
A chop assistant.

A man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of liquid right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?
"Well maybe it has a leek in it!"


I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle.
And now I tin whistle!

Submitted by: George

There was a man who owned many sheep and wanted to take them over a river that was frozen over, but the woman who owned the river said "no."
So he promised to marry her, and that's how he pulled the wool over her ice.

A tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as a bride to the son of a neighboring chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to be completed on the shore of the stream that separated the two tribes. The father and his daughter showed up at the appointed time, only to discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream.
The father grunted, "The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."

On the day before the Battle of Hastings, King Harold said to the commander of his army, "Are the troops ready?"
"They are, your Majesty", said the commander, "Would you like a demonstration?"
"Yes, I would", said the King. So the commander lined all the archers up and instructed them to fire off a volley. Three thousand arrows sped through the air and landed a quarter of a mile away. But one clumsey archer fired straight up into the air, and the arrow went up several hundred feet, turned round and came back down again, landing about six inches from where the King was standing.
"You want to watch that fellow", said the King. "If he's not careful, he'll have somebody's eye out tomorrow!"

There were these three wildebeests out in the desert: a Papa wildebeest, a Mama wildebeest, and a baby wildebeest. They're travelling along, trying to get home, but they get lost and are trying to find their way out of the desert. The sun beats down and it gets hotter and hotter. The poor wildebeests get thirstier and weaker. Finally, the Papa wildebeest collapses from the heat and dies. The Mama and baby continue, but soon the Mama wildebeest also collapses and dies. The baby struggles on for a while, but he, too, is finally overcome and dies.
That's the end of the gnus. Now, for the weather!

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